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It's So Hot In Here...

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in August, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your motorcycle.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your face shield.

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can actually burn your hand on the clutch lever.

No one would dream of wearing shorts and sitting on a vinyl motorcycle seat!

Your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Riding breaks are measured by bottles of water rather than the need for gas.

Now that your yard has burnt, you do not have to spend time mowing but it is still to hot to ride.

You have to chew the air properly before you can swallow it.

The next person to ask you "Hot 'nuff for ya?" WILL receive a black eye!
What do you call a donkey with one eye?
A winky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one eye and three legs?
A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one eye, three legs, and smells?
A winky wonky stinky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one eye, three legs, smells and playing the piano?
A winky wonky stinky plinky plonky donkey.

What do you call a donky with one eye, three legs, smells, playing the piano and reading a book?

* A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
* A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
* A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
* A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
* A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
* A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
* A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
* A snail can sleep for three years.
* Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
* All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
* Almonds are a member of the peach family.
* An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
* Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
* Butterflies taste with their feet.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
* "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
* In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
* If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
* If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
* It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
* On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
* Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
* Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
* "Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
* The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
* The cruise liner, QE2, moves oly six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
* The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
* The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
* The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
* The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
* There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
* There are more chickens than people in the world.
* There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
* There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
* There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins. * Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
* TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
* Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. * Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
* Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

* Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

* A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

* He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

* Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

* It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

* Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground.

* When the waiter spilled a drink on his shirt, he said, "this one is on me."

* Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

* Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

* A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

* A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

* Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

* An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

* Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

* A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

* I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

* I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

* A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

* I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
br> * What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

* A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
What do you call a man with no legs?NEIL!
What do you call a man with no arms and legs…
- who is between 2 buildings?ALI
- who loosens hex screws? ALLEN
- hiding in a liquor store? ANDRE
- on your living room wall? ART
- on two wheels? AXEL
- in a hayloft? BARNEY
- who works at a cemetery?BARRY
- who has scoliosis? BEN
- in your fireplace? BERNIE
- in your mailbox?BILL
- trying to swim? BOB
- holding 2 pieces of wood together?BRAD
- in a bank?BUCK
- who tastes like water? BUD
- on mediocre drugs? BUZZ
- who has no pelvis either? CHESTER
- who is on the edge of the green?CHIP
- who is dangerous?CLIFF
- put through a meat grinder?CHUCK
- in a tiger cage?CLAUDE
- what do you call 2 men with no arms/legs sitting in a window?CURT & ROD!
- who is covered with oil? DEREK
- who is only 6 inches tall?RICHARD
- who is swimming in the lake?DOC
- who makes you an offer you can't refuse?DON
- next to fresh grave? DOUG
- who fails to catch fire? DUDLEY
- when you push his head under water?DUNCAN
- under a bed? DUSTY
- in a bathtub? DWAYNE
- in a stream?EDDY
- with a bad cough? FLEMING
- out in the driveway? FORD
- on your barbecue? FRANK
- who can breathe underwater?GIL
- in a forest? GLEN
- out on a wire?GUY
- during a full moon? HARRY
- in your spice rack? HERB
- flying over the fence? HOMER
- whose color is a bit off?HUGH
- with no hunchback? HUMPHREY
- under a car?JACK
- under a Renault? JACQUE
- on parallel bars? JIM
- in a GMC? JIMMY
- in a coffee cup?JOE
- in the bathroom? JOHN
- who pretends to have arms and legs?JOSH
- with a really small ‘hooter?’JUSTIN
- who gets stuffed in a box and wrapped in cellophane?KIT
- impaled on a stick?LANCE
- under a steamroller? LANE
- Who is safe in a storm? LEE
- starving to death? LES
- who is in a London men’s room?LOU
- out in the rain? MAC
- on a lettuce farm? MANUEL
- on a chalkboard?MARK
- on your front door step? MATT
- who uses all the space in the box?MAX
- but who has a hunchback who empties the box?HUMPTY DUMPTY
- on a stage?MIKE
- who has been run over by a steam roller?MILES
- who brings home the most bacon?MOHAMMED
- who uses too much salt?MORTON
- with a cut on his face?NICK
- who can’t say “ah?”NOAH
- in a motorized wheelchair?OTTO
- being carried by a woman?PERCY
- in a flowerbed? PETE
- in your gas tank? PHIL
- in a bottle? POP
- tossing his cookies?RALPH
- who is covered with sauerkraut?REUBEN
- with a history of wheelchair collisions?REX
- who has a lot of money?RICH
- who gets shot out of a cannon?RICK O’SHEA
- who steals from you?ROB
- being stoned to death?ROCKY
- who has been struck by lightning?ROD
- on a hill? ROLAND
- shooting up drugs?RUSH
- in a pile of leaves?RUSSELL
- who has mechanical arms and legs out in the rain? RUSTY
- on a paper towel?SCOTT
- who is Irish and hanging from your ceiling?SHAUN DeLEAR
- water skiing? SKIP
- under a train? SPIKE
- balanced on his stumps? STAN
- in a crock pot?STU
- in the wall?  STUD
- who can play 15 different musical instruments?STUMP THE BAND
- in a lingerie drawer?TEDDY
- who gets left behind in a restaurant?TIP
- who is playing your drums?TOM
- who is painted with dragons, ships and sunsets?VAN
- who never loses a fight?VICTOR
- on the President's desk? /td>VITO
- in shallow water?BOB WADE
- in the hospital?WARD
- given to you by a deceased uncle?WILL
- in an arid desert?WILT
- who is a kickboxer?ANYTHING YOU WANT.
What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs…
… on a bbq grill? Patty!
… on the wall? Peg!
… that no one would bother to pick up?Penny!
… in a frying pan?Pam!
… by the ocean? Sandy
… in your garden?Violet
… on a tennis court?Annette
… floating in a pond?Lily
… hanging from the chandelier?Crystal or Tiffany
… in a bag? Carrie
… in a vase? Rose
… in your kitchen sink?Dawn
… stuck in a fence?Barb
What do you call a woman with one leg?Eileen
What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg?Irene
Where do they work?IHOP
What do you say to a one-legged hitch hiker?Hop in!
What do you call a dog with no legs?Nothing. It won’t come anyway.
Where do you find him?Right where you left him.
What do you do with him?  Take him out for a drag.
If these remind you of yourself, it's a good bet you are an engineer.

- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string.

- In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure.

- The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

- You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday.

- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

- You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

- You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months.

- You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

- You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.

- You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

- You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts.

- You know what http:// actually stands for.

- You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.

- You see a good design and still have to change it.

- You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

- You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).

- You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

- You know what the geosynchronous satellite's function is.

- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

- You've already calculated how much you make per second.

- You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.